If you're a saint, why don't you ask God?

Yesterday I was on the phone helping a viewer when I hear my coworker say into the phone, "If you're a saint, why don't you ask God?" Pause. "What do you mean, what do I mean? You say you're a saint, so ask God."

It took all that I had in me to hold my laughter as I helped the kind, sane viewer on the phone with me.

It's been quite a while since I have talked to a someone like that on the phone. For a while there, especially after 9/11 there were tons of these callers. These people called so often I knew there voices.

These are a few of the people I've conversed with over the years.

god

I would answer the phone, "CBS4 News, this is Misty" and hear, "God here." The older male caller would then tell me about many things, but mostly about how he created the world. His stories changed at first, but then he saw the truth and shared with me that he wasn't just a god, but that he was the son of god. He was a beam of light that ran after and caught another beam of light. As a beam of light he mated with the beam of light he caught, and that created the world. After saying, "God here," he would just pick up in his story wherever he'd left off. No, I didn't always answer the phone when he called. We all must have hung up at about the same point in his story!

Government conspiracy

A woman called often to get an investigator to talk to her. She insisted the government had implanted a chip in her spine to monitor her at all times. She said the pain was unbearable. Eventually, the government caught up with her again and implanted a second chip in her brain.

Bush is the anti-Christ

After the hanging chads were all counted, a woman wrote a very long, very angry, very belligerent letter about President Bush. She wouldn't even let me get out my greeting on the phone. By the time I had the phone to my ear she was SHOUTING out her letter. I've banished all her words from my memory because they were just so hateful. She too would just pick up where she'd left off when someone hung up on her. I think she started to figure out who each of us was because she would start her letter again in the exact spot she left off with me, though she may have gotten a little farther with someone else. If that person picked up the phone, she picked up in that spot too. Crazy!

Then there are the shocking people who come to the station. The most notable was years ago and, thankfully, was not a repeat visitor. I used to work a couple of 4:30am shifts per week. One Thursday morning as I'm getting my eyes to focus on the words on the computer, I hear on the Denver scanner: "Units respond to CBS4 News, 1044 Lincoln St, on a disturbance in the lobby."

I just sat there staring blankly at the scanner as I tried to understand what I just heard. The phone rang. It was someone on ch. 9's news desk calling about the scanner call. I had to tell her I had no idea what was happening.

I called the security desk, but no one answered. I told everyone in the newsroom what was happening and then we heard the sirens. Two cop cars pulled up in front of the building. The newsroom is on the second floor and the entrance to the building is almost directly under the newsroom. We couldn't see what was happening.

Then the police left. They'd been here for less than five minutes. I called the security guard again. This time I got an answer.

A man wearing what looked to be a straight jacket walked into the first entryway to the lobby. He couldn't get into the lobby because those doors are locked at all times. The guard was there and questioned the man over the speaker box. The man demanded to speak to a reporter. He claimed he'd just walked out of Denver Health Medical Center when he was supposed to be monitored at all times. When the guard wouldn't let him in to speak to a reporter, he said he had evidence of the incompetence of the hospital. He then pulled two vials of blood from his pants. He started screaming the vials were filled with his HIV positive blood. At that the guard called police. Police took the man into custody without incident.

Like I said though, it's been quite a while since I've had a habitual, crazy caller stalk the newsroom. I still have my usual callers who call to comment on anything and everything, but I don't classify them as crazy. I listen politely and hang up when the call has ended.

The call yesterday, according to my coworker, was a man claiming he and his brothers and his mother were all saints and he wanted the station to do a story on something. My coworker never understood what story the saint wanted us to do, which is why he responded, "If you're a saint, why don't you ask God?"